Memory Keeper

Can you remember how was your life like 5 years ago? You may remember some incidents but can you still recall the mood, the thoughts, the emotions that you had at the time? Chances are, now you won’t look at it the same way you did at that moment. It is because we grow.

Time turns hair grey,

time matures the mind,

time reforms our thoughts,

time strengthens the weak heart,

time also sweeps away our purity which might seem childish.

It is all part of the growing process.Or I should use the word ‘experience’ rather than ‘time’. I was having a nostalgic moment when I read old blog posts of mine and my close friends. We have stopped blogging for almost 5 years. Reading back about things we blogged about and our thoughts, we wonder ‘Was that really me who wrote about all these?‘ The answer is yes and no. Or I can say ‘It was you but it is not you.’ We realized that we’ve grown so much during the 5 years that we couldn’t recognize our old self. Memories were swept away by the wind, they fade, until one day they are cleared or deleted by our mind and we couldn’t recall anymore. We move on. Day by day. We change. We grow. A little at a time but a lot in years.

This memory keeper, is our blog, or our diary. Where we spilled our thoughts and stories. It recorded the exact moment we were in, reminding us who were we at that time. Blogging was a trend back then for a few years, then most of our peers slowly abandoned their blogs, writing fewer and fewer posts, until it came to an end.

My friend’s last blog post was 5 years ago. Showing her some of the things she wrote or posted back then, she disbelieve that she actually wrote those things. She was embarrassed about how childish we were and how unrestricted we were to write whatever we like, we hate; the way we wanted it to be without considering much. We will never do that now. I feel that we were so pure and simple back then, when we were a teenager. Life used to be much simpler. It becomes complex when we grow older. I was going back in time via the blog posts, smiling about our simpler minds, so cute. I think we shouldn’t feel embarrassed, we should accept who we were, these are all part of the growing process.

5 years of detaching from our blog, if we are not keeping a diary, then this 5 years might be the memories which will be forgotten. Photos might bring back some memories, but much of our thoughts will not be remembered. So keep a diary, update your blogs often. You will be amazed by your own evolution when you looked back.

If I could go back in time. 5 years ago, tonight, might be one of the best time of my life.

 

ByEunice. 4Mar15. 3am.

 

My waves of enthusiasm which doesn’t last

What’s the feeling of meeting a long-lost friend? Think I just experienced that after I FINALLY visited my long-abandoned blog here. My last post was 3 years and 4 months ago. This is the friend who knew some of my deepest thoughts when I was occasionally hardworking enough to spill some words on him. He clearly recorded some of my old thoughts and experience that I have even forgotten as my memories faded with the passage of time. Surprisingly and luckily I still remember the password to this blog.

Of course, the past 40 months was a long voyage. We live in a fast-moving world, change is constant so many things are different now. I was still using a phone with buttons when I uploaded the last picture here and now I have been using my 2nd smart phone for quite some time. I had just started my challenging journey towards becoming a doctor back then and now I am not far from the title already. It certainly comes with massive responsibility and sacrifices that I’m not ready for. Maybe I’m still in a comfort zone currently. And of course now I am more exposed to the world in many aspects compared to 3 years ago although I’ve still too much to explore on.

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Back to the title, A WAVE OF ENTHUSIASM refers to a field, a hobby or a project that one seems to be interested and passionate on, but only for a short period of time. I’m not sure whether such term exists but I’m sharing the definition in my ‘personal dictionary’. In Chinese, we call it as “3-minutes enthusiasm” (三分钟热度）.

I am a person with many waves of enthusiasm. In other words, I don’t usually last long in doing something, although initially I often start with much passion. One best example as illustrated here is blogging. I began blogging 7 years back when I was in high school. Back then blogging was a popular activity among my peers. After reading some blogs, I had a strong desire to do the same. I want people to hear some of my thoughts too. I started with excitement and enthusiasm which I even spent hours writing a single post. (You may read my posts from 2008 to 2010, now even I think that they were draggy and boring and I couldn’t finish reading some of my own posts lol) Then, I changed from myspace to wordpress (this blog from 2011) which only lasted for 1 year and there were only 11 posts. My enthusiasm was dying off, so does my blog. Not that I didn’t have time, but nothing had sparked a desire strong enough for me to make an effort to type and post. It wasn’t only me, most blogs which I am following are also disappearing. Why is this happening? Are people really becoming too busy with their life to manage their blogs? Or because there are too many social networking sites such as facebook and twitter that are slowly replacing blogging?

I am a person who are excited about many things in life. I love new experiences. I love achievements. I thought that I want to try everything as long as it doesn’t harm. Maybe it is my such personality that causes my waves of enthusiasm. I’m glad that I am a fortunate person who are blessed with opportunities which allow me to explore many kinds of possibilities. Sometimes, you might not know where your true passion lies if you haven’t tried and explored. I do not see waves of enthusiasm as a bad thing, although sometimes it might turn out to be a waste of time/ effort/ resources. But I think the experience is precious. Whether it is a good or bad experience, the most important thing is that we learnt from it, and we grow.

One of my personal story that I seldom share: I was once actively involved in MLM, and was really serious about it. I spent a lot of time and effort attending meetings and trainings, approaching friends and making a lot of plans and goals. I think the reason I was so passionate back then was that it gave me a chance to achieve big, a chance to be recognized and most importantly, a chance to proof myself. Life was mostly about studies. It is boring for me to only study, surf the internet, watch movies and shop occasionally plus a bit of sports. Yes study is something, but everyone is doing that, it is a compulsory thing, it doesn’t make me special. I felt motivated when I was in MLM, I had a goal, I felt that I was working towards something big, I felt the positive energy and enthusiasm in the group  of people in MLM which is different from my college atmosphere where life seems to be dull. That was why it attracted me so much. I was so stubborn that I wouldn’t accept anything that went against it. With the encouragement I worked towards a mini achievement. However, it is a tough thing. Later on I slowly became less active and eventually I don’t talk about it anymore. It was multifactorial, partly because it was hard to maintain my MLM business and studies at the same time especially during exam period and partly due to a close friend.

Yup that was one of my wave of enthusiasm. Did I regret? I admit that setting and announcing high goals which ends up in abandoning them was a little embarrassing. However, it was truly a learning experience for me. Because of the MLM I learnt to talk to strangers and I was quite successful in that most of the time. I talked with whoever seated beside me in the train as I often take a train back to my hometown. I learnt about people. I learnt something about the art of convincing. I learnt a little about the real world. I gained motivation to dream big. Although now I am not in it anymore, the skills and experience from there will benefit me in the future.

Some waves of enthusiasm did bring little regrets. I slightly regretted that I didn’t complete my mental arithmetic classes and stopped when I was 7 years old. Another thing is about the environmental project I organized in high school. My team and I spent about 9 months hoping to break Malaysia’s record but in the end we did not qualify. I am not guilty about not entering the record but I felt a little sorry for it was not up to my expectations. Although the project might be considered successful and we won the Leo outstanding project award, the project took too long and too much effort to complete. Throughout the course our passion had declined. I just felt that I didn’t work hard enough to make full use of what we’ve produced in the end because I was not as enthusiastic as the beginning anymore. When something takes more effort than you have expected, you may lose interest eventually.  (About this project refer to my post in 1st May 2009)

In order to avoid regrets, a strong determination must be there apart from enthusiasm. This helps you in completing what you’ve started. I’m happy that some things in my life don’t only come in waves of enthusiasm. At least I managed to complete my piano lessons up to grade 8 although it is not my greatest interest; I am almost completing my medical studies and will be a houseman soon although it is not easy; I am still in latin dance although I might have to stop when I start working; I still go to the gym almost weekly; I am still working on my abs almost daily; I have just started a new B&B business and I really hope that this is not just a wave of enthusiasm; lastly I definitely have constant enthusiasm in TRAVELLING which I am exploring more and more places in the world in recent years 🙂  I wish that my relationship will last and is not just a wave of enthusiasm too hehe.

Sorry that I was still unable to change the habit of writing LONG posts. This might seem random as it is my first post here after more than 3 years. I’m really not sure whether starting to blog again is just another wave of enthusiasm of mine. I can’t promise regular posts although I hope that I am able to maintain my blog. Now I don’t even know how to change the font color like I always did last time. lol. Is the option not here anymore?

ByEuniceTham.30/09/15 1030pm-01/10/15 1250am.

 

After our only long holiday

The last moments of the last day of a long holiday. Back to this house again, which I’ve left it 5 weeks ago. Left with an excited heart looking forward to all possibilities a month free of studies could give, including a vacation planned by our own; came back with a heavy heart unwillingly. I called it ‘after-a-long-holiday’ syndrome. We are back to face our responsibilities after a break from it.

 Not so bad actually. At least I could stop wasting time after school reopens, caused during the holiday more time is wasted. Yeah, and there must be something interesting in this new semester, something worth looking forward to in Ipoh.

 The Hong Kong+ Macau trip would be a great experience which makes this holiday different and more meaningful. Other than that, let’s see what my achievements are this holiday. I did meet up with few friends, attended some classes (nutrition, leadership, beauty), practiced some piano, tidied room a little, read newspapers almost everyday, diet for 5 days, & improved a relationship. Some I’m not sure they should be considered achievements, haha. As usual, there are plans not achieved due to laziness.

 I agree on the saying ‘You’ll do more efficient things when you have less time’. During a holiday we tend to relax as there is much time. Therefore it’s good to make ourselves busier so we waste less time. Back to reality. Rather face it happily 🙂

 

It’s mid March.

Wow it’s been 2 and 1/2 months since the year has started. Many things had happened for the past 2 & 1/2 months, some are quite significant in my journey of life. I am in a journey of learning, of gaining experience and becoming mature. I’m growing.
Things can’t go completely like expected in this unpredictable journey. Ups and downs are usual. Believe that your luck won’t be bad all the time 🙂 Simple tip to happiness: Magnify positive things while minimize negative ones 🙂 

Updates:

Finals for first year med is coming in a month’s time! Intensive-study time.

Might be planning to travel after finals 🙂

Business is coming up good, making my extra time more meaningful, my life different from other ‘full-time students’ in a good way. Chasing my dreams while living a well-balanced life 🙂

20 I’m in now, still young & long journey ahead. Receive quite some wishes on my birthday. Thank you all for letting me feel loved, appreciate it 🙂

random:

I can live without social networking sites. Proven.

Is there so much knowledge to learn about a relationship?

 

Will miss you, 2011

One more post before the year ends. We think that time flies because we clearly remember long-time-ago incidences as though they were yesterday. Actually, a year is not a short time & we have certainly grew with time, just the extend of growth in the year varies between different people.

2011, the year I am 19, will walk into history in few minutes time. To review, although there’s nothing extraordinary special in the year, it still makes up an important part of my journey in life. This year marked the start of my Uni life. I definitely hope for a more fruitful new year ahead, as my previous youth is limited and there’s no returning.

The last photo of 2011

2 years back, I had a white new year under a completely different culture& atmosphere. Last year, I counted down & had fun with a special friend. As for this new year, it seems like a lonely ordinary non-festival day but it’s ok. No need big celebration, just some awareness that one whole year has passed & there’s a great year awaiting. The future is in our hands.

HAPPY 2012!!!

 

Blogging and Socializing

How do you feel on a Friday night? A slightly elevated levels of adrenaline? Feel like yeah, gonna put down work or studies to enjoy!!! The idea of it’s a Friday night might give me some excitement. But without any good plan or activity, your ‘golden night’ will just be wasted away or feeling like any other nights. Lost excitement brings about emptiness.. Normally the busier or more overloaded you are during the week, the happier you’ll be on Friday night as you are really looking forward to the weekends.

Think I’m not having the blogger’s blood although my mind is active and I would like to express my many thoughts. Even when I’m so feeling like blogging to drain my overloaded ideas, sometimes I’m stuck and the passion diminishes after I’ve started writing, maybe just after few rows. Might be because I want to produce “better than ordinary” sentences to ensure that what I’m writing really match my flow of thinking. Trying to perfect the sentences and thinking how to do it eventually obstruct my flow of thoughts. So, long hours will be needed, even for a simple post. I know there are ways to get better, by producing shorter posts and care less about how beautiful the sentences are. Hmm.., that’s what I should do.

I still occasionally (although very rarely) update my blog a little so that it’s not dying; partly because there are still views of my blog, not many, but it’s bad to let my visitors waste their few seconds just to find that there’s nothing new. And there’s satisfaction when a post is produced. Thank you, really, if you are reading.

Social networking sites, those are what almost everyone is up to right? Nowadays I don’t really like to post personal things on fb or plurk. I feel like protecting my thoughts and emotions. Some people make themselves so easy to be tracked, their daily activities and thinking.. I think it’s not safe this way. But it’s ok for simple-minded people I’m suppose, they have nothing to hide. Perhaps you’ll know more about me when you read my blog rather than following me on fb, because this place is meant for me to express, somehow it feels safer to write here. Social networking sites are more to viewing other’s profile, getting updates & feeling like you’re on track in the community, for me. And to get a little attention sometimes, maybe?

Peer pressure could be a prominent thing, it could shape you or modify your thoughts, especially if you do not have a strong self- identity. But, you are free to choose who do you want to be influenced by, so you are the result of your choices.

OK, a satisfied post, although a little random 🙂

 

I’m Kiasu. Is it good?

Actually IT was already quite long ago and people have stopped thinking or talking about IT. I who intended to post about IT earlier almost abandoned the intention. I was just browsing through my half-dead blog and decided to give it something to prevent it from dying. For me, creating a new post is not an easy task; really it takes quite some time and effort to arrange my thoughts into sentences, of which I’m satisfied with. To create a post that I’m pleased and happy with, I kinda need to get into a ‘blogging mood’, it’s made easier when I’m inspired or stimulated. Since my brain is filled with disorganized thoughts and it’s difficult to produce an article out of them, so I’m thinking of making a post related to my results, which is easier to begin with.

Lol enough of the preface. Let’s make this informal. “Yay! OMG! 3 A*?! That’s the best possible result I could get!” I tried to run these words in my mind.

*Rewind*

I was actually looking forward to the announcement of results. Why? Honestly, was waiting to experience the excitement once we know our results. If I say that I didn’t expect good results, then I’m lying. Was waiting to be able to be proud of myself. Was secretly hoping to be the best, to be admired, to enjoy how people look high on me. Often it’s that good feeling, like I’m on the top of the world, which pushes me to work hard, to keep myself in my position. And it’s the opposite kind of feeling, the disappointment when I get bad or moderate results, which reminds me that I can’t fall behind, for fear of losing.

 

Wow, I’m amazed by my honesty for writing the above paragraph. Really, I’m not normally so frank. I had little realization that the kiasu attitude has taken root in me. It has become my motivation to study, and also my pressure. My kiasu syndrome came from my chinese-educated background, but it has become milder (good thing) when I enter my secondary school which does not really encourage students being kiasu (unlike my primary school). So now, I’m not among the extremists of the kiasu people, luckily as being too kiasu is not a good thing. Recalling that in my primary school, half of the students made a list to record the exam marks of their competitors for each subject, just for comparisons, and we were able to find out our position in class (based on our results) before the teacher did. A serious reflect of the kiasu attitude, right?

So, are you guessing that I flew up above the clouds once I got to know my pretty results (A-level)? Not much so. I was abnormally calm when the grade of each subject was told to me. Then it felt like so ordinary, no special mood elevation. There’s nothing excited to look forward to anymore. The results didn’t excite me much partially because I knew others are doing quite good as well. I’m just among one of those who scored great, nothing so special. That was my honest opinion. And the result was kinda expected.

Then when I got to know few people whom I expected to score as good as us scored a little less, suddenly I felt that the results we got are actually not easy to score, the ‘nothing so special’ feeling faded a little. I felt that I’m really not bad after all, and felt a bit happier. In conclusion, my kiasu syndrome is based on comparisons with others. What I’m craving for is not excellent results, but simply a result which makes me better than others, or stands out. Another way of saying is ‘it isn’t about how good I am, it’s about how good or bad others are(compared with me)’. Is this considered a kind of healthy competition?  Anyway I’m proud of myself, and proud of us who scored well. And I made sure that I was grateful. With what I have, what more can I ask for?

When people ask for my results generally, I just said “quite good” or similar phrases, dare not declare it proudly, for fear of them thinking that I’m arrogant or showing off. Especially to those who scored less well. Haih, how contradicting I am, wishing to be recognized, but dare not tell loudly that I’ve scored awesome results.

 

People around me already have very high expectations on me; just like that I’m having on myself. So this time, as usual, my family and friends’ respond is calm, like “Oh..”/ “You sure get straight A’s one la…”  (In my mind: Can’t you just at least pretend that you’re so happy and proud of me to make me glad?)

Anyway, in the end, no matter how well we scored, that’s doesn’t really change anything now since we’ve already entered University. We simply need 3 B’s for the minimum requirement. Whether it’s 3 A*s or 3 B’s, the path is laid. The important thing is, we should hope for good results for the right purpose, like ‘good results bring happiness’ instead of ‘good results help me defeat others’ =)

ByEuniceTham.23/9/11.0031.

 

Still OK

What would you do on weekends if you are a student studying at a place 3 hours away from your home? Going back often? Find places & friends to hang out with? Be a good student and revise the lecture notes or even study in advance? TV/laptop as ‘time killers’? Better suggestions?

Even keeping yourself occupied is not an easy task when you are away from home. Lots of KL people in my batch, and seems like they go home quite often. Home is always the most comfortable place, but for me, there’s no point going back too often, as nothing really useful is achieved each time in such a ‘comfort zone’.

How were my weekends spent? Here they went, the 5 consecutive weekends: Moving in; Orientation at Pangkor; Visited by parents; Backpack tour+ B’day celebration+ Drawing epitheliums; Back to home (finally).

College

So far so good, I’m suppose. My few friends and I being the ‘minority’ (in terms of ethnicity) are a little conspicuous, but I don’t find myself having problem surviving in such a community. Our batch mates seem not difficult to mix, but it seems unnecessary to mingle around very much. Have talked to and worked with quite some of them but not knowing them in depth.

Talking about the transition from pre-U to MBBS degree, in terms of studies it’s like taking away the 2 subjects, Chemistry and Physics. So now we’re like doing pure Biology, which is further divided into a couple of subjects. Some fun elements in Chemistry and Physics are therefore missing, such as the pride when we’re able to explain a complex theory; the satisfaction when a calculation is finally solved or when a complicated concept is finally understood. As Biology is more about facts that cannot be argued, I think Chemistry and Physics require more thinking, making the brain more active.

College life in terms of lectures is not like what I’ve expected. I didn’t imagine that we’ll have 160 students all attending the same lecture at the same time. But that’s common in university, isn’t it? I thought that I want to start being active in classes and often interact with the lecturers. I wanted myself to get really serious in studies; preparation before classes, no lagging or last-minute studies, with all the right attitudes of a typical good student. Those were in my mind before the semester started. But now I only manage to be persistent in not sleeping in lectures, that at least. My excuse is it’s difficult to do so in this environment.

This is only the first semester and we’re studying about some foundation things. It’s actually easy for me, just mainly need to remember the facts. I’m grateful and proud that I have my A-level as a stronger foundation than my mates, where most of them took foundation in Science. It’s ok not to study for now, just attending lectures, so almost a month has passed and I have not really studied anything yet. My notes and books are barely touched. I often ignore the voice in myself that urge me to study, but not until this weekend. I hope that the pile of notes will not bore me into doing something else.

Besides lectures, some programmes are actually quite good and prepare us to be better doctors. Will talk about them in the next post, I hope.

It’s just the very beginning and too early to comment or speak much. More will come and just be open to accept things that come your way, learn to like them, then you’ll be happy 😀

 

The first step on the medical path

            When I secure a place in the medical school, I’ve already got a foot in this noble path, which leads me to the title doctor, who bears great responsibility as people often have their lives on the hands of these professionals. Many of the speakers’ words and advices are true enough although the talks seem so boring that people snooze off sitting in their chairs.

            The 7-day orientation ends after a sleep-depriving 3-day trip to Pangkor island. Most of our time at the orientation week was spent by listening to lengthy briefings. Today is the official start of lectures and classes. Even though this is only the first class of the first year medical students, we’ve already been challenged by a task, much unexpected. We already have to act like a doctor, asking a ‘patient’ questions regarding to her illness. We are required to discuss about the case with our limited knowledge and do research.

            This is really the university life that they say. Previously up to A-levels/ pre-University, we enjoyed being spoon-fed, just digesting the syllabus then sit for examinations. Now we have to use more of our brain where our critical thinking, research skills, communication skills, reasoning skills and consistency in studies etc. determine our survival in the course. That’s what I came to learn today.

            Studying is not the same anymore. Self-directed learning plays a big part. We are taught by experienced professional doctors, to be life-savers like them one day. This path is not a smooth one. Studying medicine isn’t easy, most people say. Then after going through this bumpy journey, I’m sure that I’m gonna be a much better person, well-trained (including mentally) and not afraid to face any big waves in life.

      In my desktop I pasted the note:

{ Hello, Dr. Tham-to -be !

 I’ll OVERCOME every CHALLENGE in the path towards being a medical officer WHATEVER IT TAKES, because I know at the end of the journey, I’ll look back with JOY and see that it’s WORTH IT !

 I will live life to the fullest! }

My journey is still long.

Pangkor

 

The Future

Sometimes to create a habit is not an easy thing as it has been a habit to not have the habit.  For example blogging. We naturally resist change. I read that declaration is a powerful tool to change. True that starting a change with declaration helps. Therefore I declare that

“I want to blog consistently and make blogging a habit of mine!”

___________________________________________________________________________

It’s now the transition. We are going to pursue our tertiary studies at a city away from home in barely 10 days’ time. Am I prepared mentally to be a medical student? We’ll see.

Away from home is not a so big issue now as it has been my status for the past 11 months, even though this time it’s further. Ability to be independent is gained when we become less attached to our home sweet home. Away from home speeds up our rate of mature. I certainly grew a lot on the past year, fortunately not in terms of my weight. Those who never left home might not understand.

In this short enough break between the end of A-level exams and being called a university student, things could hardly be done and I always blame it for the too short holiday. My lack of diligence (the better term for laziness, lol) has just put me into a relax mode. It seems to be always so after some events like an exam that partly wears us out. So we often struggle for certain period, then relax for some time, then soon we’re on the restless mode again (normally near exam). This is caused by the last-minute-attitude. Is this healthy?

When I’m back from Singapore which is our travel plan for this year, it must be a hectic time for me as only little time is left for final preparation before we head to Ipoh, where we’ll spend our next 5 years at least. There’s much to look forward to for the future, though I’m not too excited about it.

Bye Malaysia for temporary, may we have an enjoyable trip and gain something worthwhile. Who knows what is to be expected.